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1:02 a.m. ~ 2003-11-01
something-aphobia lately, if im in a too crowded room, my stomach ties itself into knots and i immediately have to leave or at least get to the door where i can feel the outside air. my skin sweats and im afraid of being sick but if i ignore it, im even more afraid that ill get sick and not be able to control myself. i dont know why this happens. the first time i felt it christian and i were at a show and towards the end i thought to myself if we didnt leave right.that.second. i was going to fall down and be crushed. so i told him and he grabbed my hand and pushed people out of the way because i know my face looked scared. and its been happening not too frequently, but often enough that ive been careful not to let myself get so worked up. ill go outside for some air or ill stand on the outermost fringe so i can back away anytime and not feel overwhelmed. we went to the stone pony to see the show and from the outside it didnt looked as crowded as it turned out to be when we got inside. the bar there is pretty cool though. they have ancient concert ticket stubs and newspaper clippings from when asbury park used to be a real popular vacation spot, before it became run down and abandoned and before they started rebuilding it. so im standing at the bar listening to tsunami bomb (who i didnt realize i saw perform before until the lead singer who is a female stepped on the stage. pleasant surprise) and im reading the old news and tracing my fingertips over the picture of cindi lauper which someone dated circa 1986 but the girl who was standing next to me was wearing some kind of fruit smelling perfume and her boyfriend kept bumping into me and jeffs arms were around my waist and the bartender kept checking our drinks and people in costumes kept squeezing in to buy $3.00 waters and smirnoffs and i began to feel that feeling again. i fought it until bouncing souls began to play and as much as i hated leaving, there was no way i could have stood there, smelling that fruity smell, so we left the show early. i was so grateful the bar is on the beach because the air smelled really good once we stepped outside and i felt better in a few minutes. i cant figure it out.
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