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8:59 a.m. ~ 2003-06-16
broken promises to myself i needed that. a night spent with the friends ive been neglecting for the past two weeks or so. these are the people that ground me, the ones that stabilize my brain. the party had moved outside to the screenhouse and i sat with jeffs arm around my shoulders and sipped a beer, contributed to the conversation which was really a debate over the scariest movie from when you were growing up. (does anybody remember that movie summer camp? that he/she thing scared the ever livin crap out of me for years...) anyways, there was one point where todd was doing a seriously freakish impression of some horror movie character when i just stopped listening and watching and thought to myself how good it felt to be there with these people that i now believe welcome me there because they choose to, not because of who i came there with. im not taking back what i said last, that i rather be on the phone with him, because he is amazing. i guess im just realizing what i have here shouldnt constantly be backburnered. i guess i should refrain from being biased against my own opinions...emotions...decisions. i try to convince myself that such and such is the best thing for me and then i begin a mental tirade on whatever opposes it. bad girl. it limits opportunity greatly and i almost succeed in convincing myself that whatever choice i do make is the right one before seeing it pan out. i really suck at mastering this whole let it ride kind of attitude. but im working on it. i mean as long as i have plenty of distractions and alcohol and attention and i dont have to think ill be just fine letting things work themselves out. *sigh* as i write this entry, an email just arrived from the infamous christian. the playlist to a cd hes making me. playlist goes as follows: understand in a car crash -thursday, san dimas high school football rules (acousitc version) -the ataris, summer wind was always our song -the ataris, i believe you but my tommy gun dont -brand new, you held the world in your arms tonight -idlewild, one season too late -keepsake, and everywhere -yellowcard. christian doesnt do anything for "no reason". all of his actions are deliberate and done on purpose. his intelligence and charm attracted me towards him when we first began working together. those same things scare me about him now. he became a close friend and now im afraid to admit anything to him. he uses it. i let these people in too easily. im just eager to please.
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