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1:15 a.m. ~ 2003-07-02
organized clutter my to do list: 1. talk to christian. i think we've done a pretty good job at avoiding each other this weekend with unrequited text messages on both ends and the silent treatment via away message on the computer. like i said, its a game we play, but quite frankly, im growing out of it. i know he would love for me to be like the girls he dates and nod and say yes christian...i also know he would come to hate me for doing that and quickly lose interest. but why the hell do i care? i dont know why i care. but i do know i care enough that it is annoying the shit out of me that he can appear so mellow and i have to come crying to my diary, embossing my feelings here in these entries just so i dont freak out whenever someone mentions his name. dammit. 2. call the flowerpot. i keep meaning to and every night i say i will tomorrow night. i miss him, alot. friday night the sky was blazing pink and orange, a perfect sunset and i reminded him to look at the sky with a message that was returned, and it made me smile because gorgeous sunsets like that will always remind me of him. last night too, but then i get an insecure feeling and i dont call. what a crappy way of thinking, especially about myself when it comes to him. i think he would be dissapointed i second guess just calling to say hello. i never thought things would change so much but they always have in the past. rapid changes have always governed our relationship. i just never saw this one coming. i closed my eyes and looked away if i ever thought i did. 3. finalize my school schedule. so far i have american sign language III and themes in gay literature. (either that or themes in lesbian literature in the fall). just one more class and ill be set for the fall. i only have electives left to take so that slot is free for just about anything...any suggestions? 4. finish my compilation cd for keith. saves the day, the ataris, some dashboard. hes coming home tonight and i already said i had it finished for him. you know when you have a certain song or cd that you really want the other person to hear, but not only hear, but listen to? understand the lyrics and their relevancy. keith seems like he is the only one who does that. that listens. ive made cds for jeff and even the flowerpot, and they'll talk right through the most meaningful songs, not hearing a single word, but agreeing yeah mich, that was great...but you didnt even hear it. 5. begin the countdown to vacation. in exactly one month it will be departure day for mexico and that is all i can envision right now. me lounging next to the swim up bar (yes, thats right) and having the waiter know me by name within the first two days. ive even been practicing: �buena ma�ana s�, tendr� mi generalmente y lo hice hoy que la corona con dos cales toda inclusiva tiene sus gratificaciones que usted sabe?
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