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9:38 a.m. ~ 2003-07-02
brilliant dance so this is odd, the painful realization that all is gone wrong and nobody cares at all, and nobody cares at all i wonder if it bothers him as much as it bothers me. distractions must take care letting him think too much, but what about at night? does he ever wonder? i do and its about what he thinks and why i just dont get it...i feel like im the only one awake watching the light go from pink to black and gray again, the entire night passed with nothing figured out. you buried all your lover's clothes, and burned the letters lover wrote but it doesnt make it any better. does it make it any better? and the plaster dented from your fist in the hall where you shared your first kiss reminds you that the memories will fade i deleted the text pages and i try not look at the pictures because the sting they bring to my eyes has become quite painful. the physical erasing process will always outrun the mental one. im trying hard not to look. so this is strange, our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance where nobody leads at all, where nobody leads at all it changes that fast, and the fears that resided in the back of my brain dominate my thoughts even now, during the day. i fear we're falling into a pattern we wont break because we've forgotten how and it will come under the pretense that it's okay. missing you will never be okay. and the picture frames are facing down and the ringing from this empty sound is deafening and keeping you from sleep. and breathing is a foreign task and thinking's just too much to ask, and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights if i could turn it all off and not have it bother me any longer...i dont think i would do it. because that would mean its over, finalized and done. with little traces it ever really existed. but spending my nights curled next to noone and the minutes march on with my thoughts in hand...well, sometimes i pray for that disconnection. this is incredible, starving, insatiable, yes this is love for the first time. well you'd like to think you were invincible yeah? well, weren't we all once, before we felt loss for the first time? this is the last time, well this is the last time it was so good and it amazed me how deep feelings ran. then like a spark that ignited. i stared into that flame and didnt look away until i felt it fading. now im having trouble focusing on what it is now. i miss the warmth. i craved that feeling and he fulfilled it. and nothing could ever be wrong then. now, it just doesnt feel right.
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