11:36 p.m. ~ 2003-09-11
cant leave it bottled up i knew there would be no escaping the sadness this day represents. i let myself cry a little bit this morning while listening for the names of people i once knew as they were recited during the memorial. and to the names of people i didnt know, and will obviously never know; but to hear their loved ones voices honoring their memory, some strong, some cracking, i think that got to me the most. funny that this day also represents the serious beginning of jeff and i as...well, what we are today. (nothing is black and white.) i remember the night after, september 12th we went out to dinner to get our minds off of the people we knew that were still missing (some came home, some went home) and in the diner, we were the only customers. we drove down hylan blvd and saw how crowded the streets were with people and flags and candles and signs. when we stopped at a red light, his phone went off, some of our coworkers were standing at the corner we were stopped at. so much for keeping our date undercover. in the midst of deep deep sadness, i will always remember jeff as something of a support system. it was his hands rubbing my shoulders when i found out my neighbor and friend had been lost. my block was renamed in her honor. her sister is getting married soon. i find it soothing they have something to remember her and while remembering her, they are not stunting their lives. candles are burning on my windowsill tonight. cant do anything more but remember.
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