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4:56 p.m. ~ 2003-06-06
in a matter of hours i can plan out the entire conversation in my head, and then not even have the guts to IM him when i see his name on my buddylist. our situation...relationship...feelings towards each other have changed dramatically and rapidly in the past in very little spans of time. i wish i knew what he was feeling now. or how to approach the conversation. or if he was up last night like i was, thinking. im determined to let my mind rest for...no, not the night, but at least a couple of hours. dinner with friends, then drinks, hopefully by then ill be so tired and fall into bed and sleep will come easily. smile at the ones im with tonight and see if im really happy here with them. a safe and comfortable life with people who come up and hug me and move over a chair for me to sit on. i wonder if its because of who i came with. if that relationship falls apart will these people still be so happy to see me? when mike and i broke up, our "mutual" friends were really all his friends. no longer invited, or welcome, or hugged hello. but yesterday, they thought i was great and we were perfect and i was sweet and i should come by the next day for a bar-b-que. and he cheated on me. our friends had sided with the one who dissolved the relationship and he blamed me for it. my fault he kissed her. accepted no blame. all in the past now, even though the past has a funny way of repeating itself. once again i find myself at a crossroads. and im not even completely sure if that second option even exists anymore.
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