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2:49 p.m. ~ 2003-06-14
take lots with alcohol graduation party tonight within walking distance of my house. thats what im talkin about. the weather seems to be holding out, the sun peeking out occassionally even though its humid enough to curl paper. i forget where i heard that but it definitely fits today. i need to get out of my house, i cant wait. i need a distraction or something. get myself out of my own head so i can stop thinking and just...stop. give me a drink (well, there will be plenty of that later on, lemme tell you...), give me some funny conversation, give me something to focus on. i know im not the only one in his life, and vice versa. but reading about it makes my stomach turn. ignorance really is bliss. he doesnt know i write here. has no idea these entries exist. he has a diary and sometimes writes about me, mentions a private joke and i get that hes thinking about me. sometimes its discreet, sometimes direct, sometimes mentions my name. and he has no idea i write for him. dust-settle is just another secret. and he has no idea how much i love him. but if i thought showing him this diary would help convey my feelings any better, than i would have done it. in fact, i think if i did show him i wouldnt write as well, or as openly. silly, considering its all stuff i want him to know. i write because it makes my feelings make sense. i take them, and put them into words that you all read and now they're real. not just floating around in my head, but actual emotion displayed. it makes it real for me. but he doesnt know they're here. i can pretend real well that alot of shit doesnt bother me. that i have a thick skin you cant penetrate if i dont let you. i can pretend real well. maybe sometimes my eyes give me away but even then, i know how to shrug it off and change your mind. i cant fool myself though. i cant ignore this feeling in my chest, i cant ignore the sinking in my stomach or the tears that well up in my eyes. i cant ignore a silent phone that doesnt ring the day after. and i cant ignore the fact i am getting too wrapped up in something that might eventually hurt me worse than im prepared for. my name is dust-settle. not dust all up in the air because you're confused once again. i like to know, i hate wondering, i hate feeling so insecure, and i hate giving the other person such control over my emotions. but i love him. and love is forever, even when we insist its over. im determined to let it alone for now. see what happens...i guess. i dont need final answers, i dont need committment, i just need to know where everybody stands so i know where i do too.
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