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4:08 p.m. ~ 2003-06-18
deaf ears the way i see it, in my opinion, i think, i feel... he doesnt listen to any of these. two years ago, jeff and i started dating. in two years, theres alot to learn about person, the information comes in moderation. the more you learn, the more you love, the more you learn to love...or dislike. im amazed at what he still hasnt figured out about me. my tendencies, and passions, what i want, and what i need. nobody is a mindreader. i just ask for him to listen when i speak, and not to have it brushed off as insignifigant. but nothing ever changes. ive asked him for specific things, things that would improve our relationship if we choose to continue it. and for one or two nights, it does. and then back again, like nothing was ever said. and he looks at me like im crazy when i tell him whats bothering me. like i never mentioned it before. like talking to a stone wall. i remember when we first met, i never noticed anything of the things that bother me now. did they exist? did they crop up over time? or did i just fail to see them out of the excitment of a new relationship, blinded by the infatuation that comes with every new beginning. he asks am i happy? and i've finally begun to hesitate before answering. i tell him, and he doesnt understand. i explain again, for the hundreth time, and he swears it will change. and next weekend will find us on my front porch again, having the same conversation. sometimes, leaving seems like the only solution. if the problem cant be fixed, then it cant be fixed, time to move on. i havent yet been able to leave. i realize theres an emotional dependancy on him, even though feeling towards other people distract me. but they havent freed me yet. something is making me stay and hold on. give it another chance because this time, it might just work. and you wont have to leave, and no one will get hurt or be upset. what makes me stay? i lay in bed and wonder. i walk with the flowerpot and i wonder. he'll come over and immediately ask me where i was and why i went somwhere, and i wonder. i know he does it out of love. love should equate happiness. im not happy so what does that tell me? im sure i love him, but in love with him? i wonder.
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