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3:04 a.m. ~ 2003-06-20
better? yeah. standing outside in the never-ending rain ny has seen for the past few months, my call got directed to voicemail. again. he always has his phone on him. i kind of knew what it meant. i went back inside and ordered myself another drink and said fuck it. *fast forward to home later tonight, after many more drinks consumed* my phone rang and saw his name on the caller i.d. i know i went to sleep upset, i felt dried tears on my face. we get things out in bursts and tonight we got out a little more. a weeks worth of confusion and how each of us has been feeling. what we understand and what leaves us in the dark still. at one point, i wanted off the phone. i was getting upset and crying and my stomach had taken it upon itself to do cartwheels. but he calmed me down. and i stayed and we finished what we had to say. maybe not everything but as much as we could handle without it becoming too crazy. i mean, first time in a week we've talked long enough for it to count. moderation is key here. i think the both of us are seriously confused about our feelings. i know we are. it was said. it made me cry. its the truth and the only way to work through it is to not rush. not assume, and definitely not put our hearts where they have no business being. i love him. very much, an unmeasureable amount. but right now, no romance will be coming out of it. we need friendship and we've been each others greatest friends this winter. no reason that should end in the name of confusion. left it off as we'll talk soon. i feel better with that answer than none at all. i hung up and dried my face and the heavy feeling in my chest subsided a little bit. i wont deny there is some hurt that needs healing. time takes good care of us though. i really cant stand to cry anymore. not over us. when we do talk, i need to remember not to let my raw emotions get the best of me. i need to use my head because if one night of doing as we please leads to one week of questioning that night and if any of our actions were really the right ones, i have my answer right there. maybe is not the kind of word you want running through your head for days. we have a bad habit and saying no and then disregarding it very quickly. too much of our situation is being aligned with confusion and we dont need either one of us becoming that culprit as well.
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