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10:58 p.m. ~ 2003-06-24
sweat the weather is finally warm and a breeze is coming in through my windows, my fan circulating the air and im completely in love with this weather. work was crazy today, people shopping, probably bar-b-queing because of the nice weather so it was crowded and busy. i was so distracted. i really try to convince myself that im content (i wont say im unhappy, i just feel like im settling into something too comfortable and i crave whats new) with the way things are now, that i can deal with how he feels and his change in attitude towards me. i think my heart has a different idea of how things should be going down. too bad nobody ever asks what the heart wants though, always the last considered, always the last one to know, always the one hurt the most. i let myself indulge in thoughts of him and i together and smile secretly to myself. i remember his hands and soft lips, that smell that overwhelms me and his voice when he whispers exactly what i want to hear. "and im not imagining how you give me the shivers, standing up to your waist in your river..." and then back to normal life. im waiting for something, anything to respark my interest. im trying and i cant do it by just saying ok, im interested, this is fine, this will do. something has to happen, something more than being comfortable. i want a thrill. i want to stop wanting and be satisfied.
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