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5:13 p.m. ~ 2003-07-03
the games we play this entry inspired by mattmagus the what if game. i play it sometimes in my head and entertain the ideas that seem to flow, stemming down from one change that might have caused two others, thus disturbing their outcomes and creating a third and once again independant what if. for example, the night i began talking to the flowerpot, all dependant on circumstance. my college had changed our schedules from monday to wensday so that the class you should have on monday, you attend on wensday. it just so happened that i didnt have classes monday for that particular semester, so i wouldnt have any class on wensday that week. so an october wensday night off. bored and friends in school on a night we would be at big nose kates (our old regular bar that stopped serving us for no particular reason...unappreciative bartender.) i went online and began chatting with him and our relationship took off from that night. what if the school had pushed the scheduling back a week...or i didnt go online that night but rather, the next night. would we have met at all? and he is the main reason this diary exists...even though he doesnt know it. on another note: what if i chose to go with my regularly scheduled group of friends instead of christian to the concert? would we have ended up kissing or maybe it would have never happened. our friendship would still be stable but i would never know all those months spent working together added up to something more than finding a cool coworker to go to shows with. going way back: what if i didnt leave my old job to start the one i currently have? would i have ever met jeff? we only live on the same block, him on one side of richmond avenue and me on the other, and ive never run into him before. one month later he got promoted and we no longer had similar schedules. it was within that month we started dating, the foundation for our relationship laid in that short time. that was two years ago. i could go on, i am amazed at circumstance. i try not to think like this too much, it only leads to further confusion and the occassional stress-headache, and i am trying to be as anti confused and pain free as possible these days. i guess we can use everything happens for a reason as a way of rationalizing why things happen one way and not the other. if the reasons are revealed to us beforehand it would be ever so helpful, but we dont live our lives according to neat little packages. i guess the trick is to stop thinking about what could have been or what might have happened and think about what you will make happen. im all insightful today. whats up with that? now that i have tried to make it seem like i can easily assume control of my own life, even though my actions readily come from other peoples reactions it is time to begin my 4th of july eve celebration and stop faking it. on the house watermelon margaritas. that should be enough to distract and disable the what if process.
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