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1:48 a.m. ~ 2003-07-03
i post, and he calls...of course on the phone with the flowerpot "so when do you want to do lunch?" "oh i dunno whenever." "whenever?" "yeah, whenever." "just lunch?" "and ...walking?" [didnt my last entry say i really dont think i can handle anything more than just lunch?...i have to find a way to stop people from reading my mind] okay, so we'll do dinner...and maybe some walking. i mean the weather is nice and it would be silly to travel an hour and a half to see him if it was only for a meal...i mean we might as well...walk around. fudge. everytime i write here i wonder what he would say as a reaction to what i think (what im really thinking.) before he stopped updating it, he used to keep a journal for me, a locked one that was written with little concern that i was reading it. i used to be amazed at what he would write because his words and feeling would come out so raw, like he didnt care if they would cause pain or pleasure, or he just wanted me to know how he felt really bad. i care, and sometimes i think i misrepresent myself in this diary. i wonder if i make a big deal out of little things, and i feel silly letting him know its the little things that jab at my brain. i just like being around him. so dinner will lead to a walk and i will be reluctant to leave afterwards. im sure there wont be any rain to use as an excuse this time to go back to his apartment. im such a coward with my emotions...i leave them up to the rain. and wouldnt you know, it just started raining when christian pulled up in front of my house with cj. keith was in my living room sleeping, finally home from getting his ass kicked in vegas. a chance to talk to christian was clearly not going to happen with our two best friends sitting in the same room. so he stayed for 15 minutes and left, and left me more confused. i cant explain why, its just his mannerisms that throw me off. the way he can be so many different people, and i know each variation of himself, and still i get confused. because i never know which one to prepare for. so yes, come over and then i have nothing to say to you. im sure he will come running next time. *smacks forehead* im better off letting the rain govern my life, i am making one nice mess of things.
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