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1:53 a.m. ~ 2003-07-06
if i screamed he, he would turn around and say "what" reciprocity. an even exchange of privledges. to reciprocate...or to return the favor. you give a little, you get a little right? in theory. "in theory communism works" -homer j. simpson this concept was reintroduced to me this winter by the flowerpot. for a long time, he gave and i accepted and did little more than that. i didnt know how to give back, and when i tried, it paled in comparison. tonight that word kept coming to mind while driving around with jeff. he gives me alot, and alot of it i dont want. i want to sit and drive around and not have to argue my statements and not have to defend my thoughts. they're mine. let me have them if i want. so what he sees as himself putting more into the relationship, i see it as suffocation. i swear it makes me want to not even talk, out of fear of hearing whatever i say disputed. give me what i want. friendship instead of authority. i always have to repeat myself, he never hears me the first time, rarely listens when told again. but if i sit silently, then something is wrong. i had a headache tonight, a stress headache. i turned the music up in the car and laid back, singing along softly but for now, ill look...so longinly waiting for you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me then the music was lowered and the questions began. its nice to be concerned but a head doesnt stop aching when its being subjected to question after question. i dont have the heart to tell him to leave me alone. please just believe me when i say its nothing. thats all it is until i can tell you and i dont think ill ever be able to tell you. i turned the music back up and look out the window, catching my reflection in the rearview mirror, my eyes brimming with tears of...frustration the hint of these new tears are sharp, i try to hold them back but its useless, im useless against them i tasted the blood from biting the inside of my lip so hard, i didnt even notice i was at first. at least he got out the car first and didnt notice. we met christine and todd outside the movie theatre. 28 days later. (faschwaa was right, scary as hell. i dont believe ill be sleeping any time this week) i think christine might have noticed i was upset but brushed it off as i brushed whatever remaining tears might have been on my cheeks. he doesnt know how to listen. and it hurts to explain more than once.
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