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11:09 a.m. ~ 2003-07-31
i should be packing had a bbq last night as a kind of goodbye wont see you for a week excuse to have one. by the end it dwindled down to keith, matt and myself drinking the remaining beers and bullshitting about...nothing really while getting eaten alive by mutant mosquitos. i finally got my passport yesterday, and of course my name is spelled wrong but im not stressing that. customs can either take it or leave it, im going in. im a little worried about spending a week straight with jeff. i like time to myself and sometimes he has trouble understanding that and acts hurt. even if its an hour by myself by the pool a day or taking a walk around the hotel alone in the morning i will be happy. im sure he is going to want some time to himself too, im hoping... tonight i plan on calling the flowerpot, tell him im leaving, thats how long its been. i really dont expect it to phase him much, i feel so damn far away from him. emotionally we're going backwards. less talk, less laughter, less of everything. feelings too. but you dont need my pictures on your wall, you say you need no one and you dont need my secret midnight call, i guess you need no one but i'd like to talk to him anyway, its always good conversation. do some maintenance and well see when i get back about seeing each other. ive been thinking about letting him read this, sending him the link before i leave. i wonder if hes still curious about it or the way that i feel. if he doesnt like what he sees i figure it will be one week later by the time we can talk about it and it may not even matter then. the bulk of the my first entries are about some pretty intense feelings towards him and may seem a little weird reading them considering we havent talked much lately, and arent really pursuing that kind of implied relationship any longer. i hope (if i do decide to send this) that he is mindful of the date and time those entries were written and that its a whole different story now. so heres my farewell entry, ill be back on the 9th and going to warped tour on the 10th so no writing until some recovery time has occured. and a very fitting adios to you all.
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