dust-settle

11:49 p.m. ~ 2003-09-07
because im a sucker for the "none of the above" option when it comes to multiple choice questions

after the show friday night, jeff and i had something of a fight. i dont remember it clearly at all, or the specifics of what was said but im sure it was pretty harsh because i do remember one of us, or both of us were yelling

and in two years, i have never yelled at him. and i have never heard him yell at me.

he told me that i said i was unhappy. i know for sure i didnt mean to say that.

while i may be confused about what kind of relationship i want with jeff, i know how i feel about him. i know what i love and i know what makes me feel bad about us, about myself, about the time and effort and the emotion pulled from my core, just from knowing him

because from day one he affected me

infected me? i want to use a word thats similar. but this is all i can think of.

...jeff has made a major difference in my life that i cant ignore and walk away from now. maybe its been the stress of trying to make things go so smoothly lately (keeping quiet, and smiling, and nodding, and saying ok and making it ok) that finally came bursting out of me (in a stupid drunken inappropriate form) but nevertheless, it did come out and now he knows

not that im "not happy"...but there are things that keep me (and him) from being in a completely blissful state.

space is extremely important to me and jeff is a nurturer. but coming on as strong as he does for as long as he has is really beginning to push me away. and it makes me scared because theres no way i can fight it.

my own feelings. i know i can leave anytime.

its something deepset within me when somebody is too much in my personal space, i run far away emotionally...

and i guess i can be downright bitchy like friday night.

i wish friday night never happened because i think i disrespected him by just unleashing all this anger but i guess if it didnt, none of our problems are ever going to get fixed.

i just hate the process.

i hate the whole painful, exposing process.

take a glimpse back
- - 2003-12-01
rose land - 2003-11-29
this is easy as lovers go - 2003-11-26
closed for repairs - 2003-11-24
you spin me right round baby, right round - 2003-11-23

classicism ~ futurism